Due to Photos of a Disturbing Nature, Reader Discretion Advised
I’m still waiting for my novocaine to wear off from my morning of dental adventures, so I thought I’d put my free time (and dead face) to good use. In an attempt to find stuffed cardinal dolls to purchase and videotape myself running over with my car, I discovered one of the most horrifying photos I’ve ever encountered.
Yes. This is is an Albert Pujols plush doll that is for sale from many major retailers.
1. This is terrifying.
2. It doesn’t even look like Albert Pujols.
The Reds released their own version of a “plush doll” a few days ago in the style of Bronson Arroyo, which is also terrifying.
Since Albert reactivated from the DL yesterday and is expected to start tonight and Bronson is the starting pitcher, we think a showdown is in order.
In an attempt to discover which team reigns supreme and which plush doll gives more children nightmares, Rockin’ Redlegs presents: THE TEAM VETERAN PLUSH DOLL COMPETITION! The dolls will be graded on a scale of 5 baby ghosts – 1 being not too scary and 5 being the nightmares you had after watching The Exorcist for the first time.
Round 1: Level of Terror
Albert: The Pujols doll is freaky. He only has 4 fingers, little balls for feet, and his face looks like it was drawn on by a child molester. That nose looks like an evil sea creature and those eyes seem to know all the secrets of my soul.
Score: 3/5 Baby Ghosts
Bronson: The Bronson doll is also scary, but in a strange, artistic Tim Burton way. It looks like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas grew some skin and signed a big-league contract. Bronson’s face actually looks like Bronson to a degree and staring into the eyes of the Bronson doll doesn’t make me feel like I will become possessed (although I don’t recommend staring into its eyes for a prolonged amount of time.)
Score: 2/5 Baby Ghosts
It was a close call, but while the Bronson doll is scary, it at least bears some resemblance to the actual pitcher. The Albert doll looks nothing like Pujols and is even more frightening because it’s supposed to.
Round 2: Obtaining a Plush Doll
Albert: This doll is something that you have to pay for. People shell out $22 for this monster. The idea of actually working at your job to earn money to purchase this Pujols doll, going to your local plush doll retailer, and paying the cashier money to take home this doll is bone-chilling.
Score: 5/5 Baby Ghosts
Bronson: The Arroyo plush doll was available as a promotional giveaway as incentive for children to attend the July 3rd Reds-Indians game. The fact that the only money shelled out by fans for the Bronson doll was admission to the game makes this plush doll an infinitely better value.
Score: 1/5 Baby Ghosts
The winner of Round 2 is Albert by a landslide. The fact that people pay for this nightmare machine is one of the things that makes me severely disappointed in humanity.
Round 3: Cuddle Factor
Albert: The creature looks soft enough, although I’m sure snuggling with the stuffed Pujols would feel similarly to snuggling with the real Pujols – really f’ing uncomfortable. Still, if you’re planning on allowing your child to sleep with a doll crafted in the likeness of a 37 year old Dominican man, it might as well be this one.
Score: 2/5 Baby Ghosts
Bronson: That head of his looks like it’s made of hard plastic, and while I know there are plenty of ladies out there who would like to take Bronson Arroyo to bed with them, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to cuddle with this Bronson. Plus, I can’t imagine waking up to this doll would be a very pleasant experience. You’d probably wake up to find those freakishly long limbs wrapped around your neck threatening to asphyxiate you.
Score: 4/5 Baby Ghosts
Albert: 10/15 Baby Ghosts
Bronson: 7/15 Baby Ghosts
Looks like Albert wins the “Most Likely to Scar Children for Life” Contest. This is fine with me because it just means that he (and his whole team) will lose tonight!
Plush Albert’s prize is the real Bronson Arroyo serenading him with his cover of Stone Temple Pilots’ “Plush”.