My Cincinnati Reds Birthday Wish List

My 22nd birthday is today, and I’ve yet to receive a birthday present from the Cincinnati Reds. I’m not asking or expecting to get a present from the Cincinnati Reds, but if anyone from the organization wants to make any of these things happen for my birthday, it would be much appreciated. I will also accept cash or checks.

1. A new batting helmet for Bronson Arroyo.

Bronson has the longest and most flowing locks on the team. His hair is beautiful in most situations, except when he’s batting. When Bronson wears a batting helmet, he looks downright stupid. What Bronson needs is a batting helmet that has a little hole in the back. This way, when he goes to bat, he can put his hair in a little ponytail and pull his ponytail through the hole. Fashionable, practical, and adorable!

2. A $50 gift card to Macy’s for Mike Leake.

Enough time has elapsed since the incident that we now feel that it is appropriate to joke about it. He can pick up some new t-shirts with his gift.

3.  New batting gloves for Jonny Gomes.

Jonny is always adjusting his batting gloves when he’s batting, which causes me to believe that they are just extraordinarily uncomfortable. Please get Jonny some new gloves – also, please let him play!

4. A gallon of milk and some Krispy Kreme doughnuts for Brandon Phillips.

These are two of his favorite things, and since Brandon was so kind to me and my family, he should receive some of his favorite things on my birthday! (His birthday is also coming up on the 28th!)

5. Grey Goose for the Goose.

I know I’ll be celebrating my birthday with some tasty adult beverages, and we think the Goose (Paul Janish) should do the same! Shots, anyone?

6. Pantene for Ryan Hanigan.

I love Ryan Hanigan. He’s absolutely brilliant, but sheesh, what is up with his hair? We think that his hair products are failing him, so maybe some Pantene might help him spruce up that mane of his to get him really looking beautiful.

7. Claritin for Matt Maloney.

Poor Matt is on the 60 day Disabled List as a result of a nasty sneeze. I think that getting him some Claritin as a preventative measure will be really beneficial and ensure that Matt will be with us for a long time!

8. An engagement ring from Tiffany’s and a Scoreboard Proposal for Jay Bruce.

So he can give them to me. Kidding. But not really.

As always, GO REDS!