Paul Janish and Edgar Renteria have been splitting shortstop lately (except not now that Edgar’s having back problems), so on days when he doesn’t play, Paulie has a lot of downtime. He spends his games watching from the dugout, but lately, he’s been getting bored. It’s not super-obvious, but when they show the bench during the games, if you look really really closely, you’ll witness Paul pulling pranks on his teammates every chance he gets.*
Paul pretends to listen to Joe Morgan while planning his next antic.
Here are some of the more involved pranks we’ve caught when Goose is up to no good.
- We saw Janish deviously sneak into Dusty’s box of toothpicks (actually, they are Australian Chewing Sticks, but that’s for another blog post), soak them in Tabasco sauce, and replace them. Dusty was in for quite a surprise when he went in to get a toothpick and chomped right into the spicy concoction. Said Dusty, “Once I got past the initial shock, though, it didn’t taste that bad.” Paul watched from behind the Gatorade cooler and laughed quietly to himself.
- Not many people know that Paul, like a rodent, can flatten himself out in order to squeeze into tight areas. We spotted him army-crawling under the bench recently, and we couldn’t wait to see what he was up to. We watched as Paul, very gently and deliberately, untied the laces of Jonny Gomes’ and Joey Votto’s cleats. Joey and Jonny didn’t notice, because they were really involved in their discussion of if a scorpion could beat a bearded dragon in a fight. Paul then tied the laces of Jonny’s left cleat to the laces of Joey’s right cleat. When Joey stood up to go to bat, he fell down and took Jonny with him. “I’ll get him back,” said Jonny who then punched Chris Speier for no apparent reason.
- Fred Lewis, who never seems to find anything funny ever, was definitely not amused when he became Paul’s next victim. When no one was looking, Paul filled Fred’s batting helmet with shaving cream. When Fred went to his cubby to grab his helmet, Paul said, “Hey Fred!” Fred looked away from his cubby to respond to Paul and grabbed his helmet without looking at it. Just as Paul began to ask a question, Fred put on his helmet and got a face full of shaving cream. Paul busted up laughing and danced away. Fred was unavailable for comment.
- Paul’s next prank was very involved, and he even had to work on it at home. One day, Paul stayed in the clubhouse after everyone left and snatched an entire bucket of Dubble Bubble gum. He brought it home, and with the help of his wife, unwrapped every piece of gum, threw the gum away, and kept the wrapper. Then, he procured a few jars of pink Play-Doh and cut it up to the same size and shape of the gum. Then, he carefully wrapped up the Play-Doh in the Dubble Bubble wrappers and brought the whole bucket of the “gum” back to the ballpark the next day. Paul watched the chaos as the entire team was disgusted by their new “gum.” Travis Wood said, “I actually didn’t mind it. I used to eat Play-Doh when I was little so I’m used to it.” The Reds lost that day.
- Paulie almost got suspended for this next shenanigan. The Reds were down 6 runs in the bottom of the sixth, and Paul was getting bored. He wanted to spice up the dugout a little, but didn’t quite know how. Then, he remembered the bottle of Grey Goose some bloggers had sent him in an attempt to bribe him to start answering to the nickname, Goose. So Goose, er, Paul went to his locker between innings and got the vodka. When no one was looking, he spiked the Gatorade. When the team became drunk by the bottom of the eighth, Paul was very pleased with himself, but he was even more pleased when the team actually pulled out a walk-off win.
*This is in no way, shape, or form true. Or it might be, we have no idea.