Missouri Shore: “We’re Going to Cincinnati!!!”
If you thought “Jersey Shore” was bad, you haven’t seen anything yet. In what is surely to be the biggest embarrassment to America and humanity, we introduce to you the ridiculous cast members of TV’s newest flop: Missouri Shore.
PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE US ON OUR PHOTOSHOP SKILLS. WE KNOW THEY’RE TERRIBLE. WE’RE WRITERS, NOT PHOTO EDITORS.
Yadier “Yaddi” Molina
In this season of “Missouri Shore,” watch as Yaddi the meatball is constantly brought to near tears. Whether he’s being tapped on the shinguard by a member of the opposing team or is having trouble finding a guido juicehead boyfriend, Yaddi always has something to bitch about. Yaddi’s interests include spray tanning, getting tattoos, and crying.
Albert “P-Woww” Pujols
P-Woww is the firecracker of the Missouri Shore gang! He loves shopping for sunglasses, drinking Cosmos, and getting plastic surgery. P-Woww is a mentor to the rest of the group and is looked up to by all of the smaller-breasted players. This season, you’ll find P-Woww tearing it up in the club, digging in at his favorite restaurant, Home Plate, and insisting that his last name sounds different in Spanish than it does in English.
Kyle “The Pitchuation” McClellan
We’ve got a Pitchuation! Catch Kyle “The Pitchuation” McClellan on Missouri Shoure always trying to get the ladies by showing off his muscles. His pickup techniques are almost as ineffective as his fastball, and he’s always striking out with the girls because gay men seem to think he’s a switch hitter. The Pitchuation loves Ed Hardy and going to the barber shop to get that bright orange beard of his trimmed.
Lance “DJ Lancey B” Berkman
DJ Lancey B can be always be spotted at your favorite ball club. He’s the jokester of the group, constantly pulling pranks on Yaddi and Matty. His most memorable prank was when he managed to convince the Missouri Shore gang that he can actually hit a baseball. When not at the club, he can be seen dancing with grenades and shouting “OH YEAH MVP YEAH!” But honestly, he will never get that honor as it is designated for good players.
Matty “The Walking Holiday” Holliday
He’s a blast in a glass, a party in a body, and a walking holiday! Matty and his meatball twin, Yaddi, are always running around getting into adventures. Whether he’s getting his nails done or picking flowers for his hair in the outfield, he’s always having a good time. Matty loves dancing, and his favorite move is the Missouri Turnpike.
Colby “Sweetheart” Rasmus
Colby Sweetheart might be the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet, but not when it comes to his relationship with The Riot. All hell breaks loose when The Riot and Colby Sweetheart are fighting, and the rest of the Missouri Shore gang can’t stand to be around them. Although Colby Sweetheart could do without The Riot, he could not live without his hair extensions.
Ryan “The Riot” Theriot
The Riot stole Colby Sweetheart’s heart like he stole second base – he got picked off. The Riot spends his days getting pumped in the gym but don’t let that fool you. The Riot can cry with the best of them and has even been known to get into a few boardwalk scuffles after a long night out. Wouldn’t you if you had to date Colby Sweetheart?
Tony “Big Bird” LaRussa
As the oldest member of the Missouri Shore gang, Big Bird is the one responsible for all of their behaviors. He has been known to instigate problems with his questionable decisions. Lately, Big Bird has had some health problems but he’ll be back to his old self in no time this season. After all, the Missouri Shore gang loves him in sickness and in health but everyone else is trying to figure out why.
Make sure you tune in to Rockin’ Redlegs for the season premiere of Missouri Shore. It is sure to be a season filled with tears, sobbing, and more tears.