I mentioned a little bit ago that I am currently working on my first book. It’s a memoir (titled Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should and Other Lessons I Learned the Hard Way), and since I’ve been writing in a narrative format lately, I decided to recount my experience at last night’s game similarly to how I’ve been working on my book. Who knows, maybe you’ll see this exact article when my book inevitably becomes a New York Times Bestseller. (But if you hate it and think it sucks, I’ll probably cry.) So, here goes: something that’s not typical of Rockin’ Redlegs.

How to Take Your Grandparents to a Professional Sporting Event

“Fuck, fuck, FUCK!” I screeched as I shot out of my front door and bounded into my SUV. In April, when my dad bought my grandma an 80-something^th birthday present of three tickets to the May 21^st Cincinnati Reds vs. Atlanta Braves game, no one had the foresight or psychic tendencies to know that the greater Cincinnati area would become a rainforest, minus the forest. I realized that the chances of the rain holding out until after the game were as good as Mike Leake getting his first win of the season that night. During the entire 20-minute drive to my grandparents’ house, I prayed to the baseball gods that I would not have to spend the next four hours of my life dealing with wet, therefore unhappy, octogenarians.

It’s not that I wasn’t totally psyched to take my grandparents to the baseball game. In the almost ten seasons that Great American Ballpark has existed, my grandparents have never attended a game. Obviously, I wanted to be the grandchild to take our grandma and grandpa to their first game at Great American, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous. My grandmother, like most people in their 80’s, has a hard time getting around, and I was hoping that Great American Ballpark would be most accommodating to her needs. After all, she is the woman who taught me everything I needed to know about being a female sports fan, and I fondly look back on the nights that I spent at her house, watching Barry Larkin, Jose Rijo, and Reggie Sanders with the TV on mute while we listened to Marty and Joe call the game on The Big One. Even then, Grandma knew that George Grande was a pox upon the Cincinnati Reds.  Whenever the phone rings after a home run, a spectacular defensive play, or a comeback win, I needn’t even glance at the Caller ID. I already know who’s on the other line, ready to excitedly relive the moment. Naturally, I knew that the company I would keep at this particular game would be awesome, but I was concerned about the logistics of it all, and I was even more worried when Cincinnati became typhoon country.

When I arrived at my grandparents’ house, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I couldn’t believe it, and I silently thanked the baseball gods by saying the Our Skipper and one Hail Dusty. I headed inside to collect my senior citizens, and after storing our tickets safely in my purse and making sure Grandma wasn’t carrying any guns, bombs, or glass bottles in her Mary Poppins bag, we were on our way. I took up residence in the backseat of their ancient station wagon, and proceeded to brief them on prices of various ballpark items.

“How much is a hot dog?” asked Grandma.

“$4.50,” I replied.

“How much is a beer?” inquired Grandpa.

“Depending on what you get, anywhere from five to ten dollars.”

“Ten dollars for a beer?” they asked in unison.

“Yeah. When Mikey and I went to the game the other week, I spent 24 dollars on two beers and a lemonade,” I explained. “It’s too bad they won’t let you bring your own.”

I fielded more questions about prices of nachos and locations of the bathrooms, while silently praying to the Catholic saints that I would survive Grandpa’s maneuverability in downtown, rush-hour traffic. We made it, though, and Grandpa pulled right up to Crosley Terrace. Retrieving Grandma’s wheelchair from the hatch and getting her settled into it was a bit of an ordeal, but it went, for the most part, without incident. I wheeled Grandma up to the terrace, and we sat there patiently waiting for Grandpa to find a place to park and meet us before entering the ballpark.

After about 15 minutes, we began to worry that Grandpa got lost. I could also tell that Grandma was getting anxious due to the Twister-style clouds forming above our heads. Just when we were about to send out a search party, Grandpa came strolling up the terrace, and we rolled right through the gates and headed to our section. I pointed out all the cool stuff I felt that they should know about, and when we arrived to our section, we were all delighted to see that we were located directly behind the Reds Live set.

I was sent on an excursion to buy beer, hot dogs, and Cokes and returned with goodies for everyone. When I handed my grandma her hot dog and large Diet Coke, she asked if I had gotten a straw for her drink.

“No, they don’t give you straws,” I replied, “I guess they’re afraid you’re going to throw them on the field or something.” Grandma spotted a straw in a nearby, rogue cup of water and asked me to snatch it and give it to her for her drink.

“Grandma, no! That belongs to someone, and they’ve been using it! Besides, you might get AIDS or something.” Well, Grandma wasn’t happy with that answer, so she gave a big, fat YOLO and grabbed the straw anyway. That was bizarre, but I’m trying to decide what was weirder – the straw situation or my grandpa asking for a piece of my pretzel, and proceeding to brush the salt from the pretzel directly into his beer. I just laughed quietly to myself and prepared myself for the most awesome night ever.

The sky stayed clear as Grandma and Grandpa asked me questions upon questions about the ballpark.

“Are you allowed to smoke in here?”

“Where can you see who’s batting?”

“What are those tower things in centerfield?”

“Where is Marty sitting?”

“Who is that red, furry guy?”

I was tickled to share all of my Great American Ballpark wisdom with the people who had taught me so much in my life. I was not so tickled at their enthusiastic infatuation with Gapper’s pelvic thrusting.

As the baseball game progressed, I discovered that I had the best company ever. I couldn’t stop laughing at their in-game commentary. Grandpa discussed a pair of binoculars he once owned that doubled as a flask, stating that he could have snuck some rum and Coke into the ballpark without a problem. Grandma, who has questionable eyesight due to her advanced age, complained relentlessly about the home plate umpire’s calls, minutes after mistaking Jose Arredondo for Aroldis Chapman. We perched in our seats as we watched the Reds beat the stuffing out of the Braves, witnessing back-to-back-to-back home runs in the fourth inning. After Arredondo got two outs, then walked two in the ninth inning, Sean Marshall came out and finished the game. The fireworks resounded through the city, startling my elderly compatriots in the best way possible. The minute the Reds walked off the field after celebrating their win (and Mike Leake’s first win of the season), the heavens opened and the rain descended upon satisfied Reds fans.

As we hung out in our covered seats for a minute, hoping to wait out a little bit of rain before making our way to the car, the Reds Live postgame show happened behind us in full force. I caught a bit of the show on the TV near our seats, and spotted my grandpa moving around behind Jim Day. Yep, my grandparents didn’t know it, but they made it on TV that night. Here’s a shot from Mikey, who was watching at home:

The best part was when we were driving home, and they recounted the most exciting parts of the game. I could tell that they had a great time, as did I. After a magnificent night with my grandparents, I am thrilled to have had this experience with them. It’s weird and a little sad to think about, but their first outing at Great American Ballpark may have also been their last. I am so happy to have gotten to show them around my second home and watch a Reds win with two of the people I love most in the world. The moral of this story is that although your grandparents might not be so spry, go have fun with them. Don’t get too caught up in the minutia of such an outing. It is guaranteed to be a rewarding experience, and you’ll always look back on the time you spent together with a smile. Some people aren’t as lucky to get to hang out with their grandparents like I got to, so please go for it if you have the chance. It is absolutely amazing.

About once a year, the Reds Live postgame show brings us a shot of something we never really wanted to see, but unfortunately can’t unsee. 

Here’s 2011.

Here’s 2010. (Courtesy of our pals at omgreds.com)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the Cincinnati Reds jockstrap of 2012:

MIKE LEAKE!

That is just adorable.

Maybe showing off his jock was exactly what Mike needed to get into the groove tonight.

I’m demented. Good night.

Hey readers! Just wanted to pop in and say hey. I know we’ve been a little quiet this week. I sincerely apologize – I’ve been working on writing my first book, so I’ve been somewhat preoccupied with recounting tales of my own life and not focusing on those delightful Redlegs.

Today, we begin a 2-game series against the Mets, and I hope we’re able to pull out a win tonight. Frankly, I’m a little nervous about it because I’m not sure that Mike Leake actually has it in him anymore. This is a pretty important start for him, because something tells me that if he doesn’t get it together during this start, Chapman be in the rotation by next week. And I personally think that’s what needs to happen. 

Oh well – we’ll just have to see how it goes! But now onto the real reason for this post: I came across this video the other day. I didn’t know it existed, seeing as how I was like 3 years old when it was made. So, for our younger readers, check this out for the first time and for our older readers, enjoy this blast from the past!

Mat needs to play some Wheel of Fortune, because something’s missing:

I realize that you only buy vowels on Wheel of Fortune. No joke is perfect.

Guys, I have a secret to tell you. I think the Reds might be good. Our boys are currently 2.5 games behind the first place St. Louis Cardinals with a .536 win percentage. We’re also 6-4 in our last 10, and we’ve won 10 out of our last 15 games. Add that to the fact that the 2012 Central Division Champs are currently in last place and the holder of the 3rd place spot in the Central Division are the Houston Astros at 5 GB, and things are looking pretty positive for our Redlegs.

I think, so far, it has all come down to pitching. I can honestly say that despite a few shaky starts, our pitching has been absolutely solid. Our starting rotation is incredible. Johnny Cueto is doing exactly what he should be doing. Mat Latos, although he seemed to have a tough little run at first, seems to be falling into a groove within our ball club and should only improve as he gets more comfortable as a Red. Bronson Arroyo has been absolutely spot-on and is already a million times better than he was last season. Homer Bailey has pitched all right, but definitely could be doing worse, and Mike Leake is in serious need of improvement. Although Leake is the weakest link of the starting rotation, our starters have been doing an excellent job. Between Arroyo yesterday and Latos on Sunday, the Reds starters have struck out 20 batters (and this isn’t to mention strikeouts by the bullpen.)

And how about that bullpen?! The Reds relievers have gone something like 8 game without an earned run. Here are the ERAs of our relievers:

Jose Arredondo: 0.00
Aroldis Chapman: 0.00
JJ Hoover: 0.00
Logan Ondrusek: 0.00
Alfredo Simon: 2.53
Sam LeCure: 4.63
Sean Marshall: 4.82

Not bad numbers, huh? What a drastic improvement from last year.

With all this pitching, the Reds just have to make sure to keep up the hitting to back up this spectacular defense. Yesterday’s game was an amazing comeback victory, and exactly the type of game that reminds me of why Cincinnati Reds baseball and the game of baseball in general can be so great. After a spectacular fourth inning, thanks to five consecutive hits, including Jay Bruce’s 463-foot three-run homer, Miguel Cairo’s (welcome back!) pinch-hit ground-rule double in the ninth brought the Reds to a 6-1 victory against the Milwaukee Brewers.

It’s only early May, but I think I like what this team has. Homer Bailey faces Yovani Gallardo tonight at 8:10. Let’s see if we can extend our 2-game winning streak to a 3 games.

As always, GO REDS!

It’s time again for one of our favorite Reds events of the season – the first Reds TweetUp of 2012! 

Want a chance to mix and mingle with some of your favorite celebrity bloggers and tweeters? 

Want to sit in a special #RedsTweetUp section with influential Reds media folks?

Want to see the Redlegs beat the Washington Nationals?

Want to attend Girls’ Night Out and the first Fireworks Friday of the season?

Want meet us and/or eavesdrop on the hilarious stuff we say during games?

Have an extra $25 and no plans on Friday, May 11?

Want this awesome t-shirt?

If you answered “yes” or even “maybe” to any of these questions, the Reds TweetUp is for you! Here’s the deal – for $25, you get a Mezzanine Level ticket in the Reds TweetUp section, a $10 concession credit (YUM FOOD), that sweet t-shirt up there, fun in the Fan Zone prior to the game, and a chance to meet your favorite Reds bloggers and tweeters! Don’t miss out on your chance of a lifetime!

To purchase your tickets or for more information head to reds.com/tweetup! Oh, and when you purchase your ticket, don’t forget to tweet @lisabraun so she can add you to the list! 

Hope to see you there!

GO REDS!

Today, in the Rockin’ Redlegs house, there was a bit of a heated debate about various types of uniforms. We were arguing discussing whether the uniforms worn by Australian Rules Football players were suuuuuper geeky, weird, and lame. I said that they were, but was met with some resistance. Then, the question was posed: If an alien that had never seen human sports before came to earth and attended a sporting event, which would the alien be more put off by: baseball uniforms or Australian Rules Football uniforms? So, I thought I’d create a poll for you guys to settle the argument.

Australian Rules Football:

Baseball:

Happy Voting!